My journey so far …

I have wondered whether I am transgendered since the late 90’s but most of the time I’ve been in denial until fairly recently.

I started cross-dressing when I was about 9 years old. I would wear my sisters clothes to bed, not for sexual fulfilment, but because they felt nice. However, until the early 90’s, cross-dressing was something I did in secret.

In 2008, I read on someone’s blog that if we (the closet cross-dressers) wanted to be accepted by society, that we need to accept ourselves first, and present openly in public. Since that day, I haven’t looked back. I have been dressing full-time as a woman since the end of 2008.

In Nov 2009 I joined Tranny Radio, a support group for transgendered people in Australia ( http://radio.trannyradio.com/phpTR/indexHome.php ) which asked me for a female name. I chose the name Julie. Up until that point, I always used my male name, even when I was out in public dressed as a woman.

A few weeks ago, someone who knew me by both my male and female names asked me what I preferred to be called. That seemingly simple question evoked the most powerful emotional reaction I have felt since my now ex-wife agreed to be my girlfriend! I thought about it for only a few seconds and answered “Julie”. I tingled for over an hour afterwards, and I still get a buzz and a huge grin when I think back to that moment. Answering that single question has proved to be such an incredibly empowering action.

In the last few weeks, I have started remembering all sorts of signs throughout my life that indicate to me that I am in fact transgendered. Indications that I am female include:

• I was never comfortable around boys at school. I never liked their rough games. I was useless at all sports. I enjoyed (and was better at) cookery class than metalwork. Having to get changed in the boys change rooms filled me with dread; it just felt “wrong” to allow other boys to see my body.
• When I was 12 year old, a friend’s father cross-dressed to go to party. I remember wishing that I could wear women’s clothes in public, not as a sexual fantasy, but because that was how I would prefer to have been dressed.
• Up until my late teens, I was sometimes mistaken for a girl, even though I wasn’t cross-dressed.
• Most of my friends are female.
• I have always liked shopping.
• I don’t pursue a relationship for sex. I look for friendship first, then emotional connectedness, then “chemistry”, then physical intimacy such as snuggling. I love having my girlfriend lay her head on lay chest or lap, running fingers through each other’s hair. In fact, I much prefer snuggling to having sex.
• I have always been very emotional. I cry at movies. My wife often felt uncomfortable because I displayed “too much emotion”. I even get emotional when things go well at work. I can clearly remember the first time that this happened at work; I was an electronics technician and the company won a contract because the technicians had done a particularly good job. The other techs and the supervisor were slapping each other on the back and giving each other “high fives”. I had to leave the office because tears of joy were running down my face.
• I have always hated the even slightest masculine aspects of my body.  Even though I have very little body hair (and thankfully none on my chest), I have been waxing or shaving my body since the mid 90’s.
• I hate wearing men’s clothes, especially suits. Is there anything more stupid than wearing a suit and tie in the Australian summer? What’s with a tie anyway? A stupid, uncomfortable, useless piece of cloth that constricts your throat. Whenever I was forced to wear a tie, I’d wear one with teddy bears, cats or puppies, which tended to upset my conservative striped-tie wearing colleagues. I didn’t wear teddy bears ties to upset anyone; it’s just that it wearing a cute tie was the only way of expressing even a tiny part of who I really am. Men’s clothes tend to be just about conforming. Women’s clothes are about expressing who you are.
• I have always liked the feel of clothes. Women’s clothes tend to made of fabrics that look and feel nicer and softer. When was the last time you heard some item of male clothing being referred to as “beautiful” , “soft”, “flowing” or “caressing”?
• I find it uncomfortable and disgusting being around “blokes” and hearing how they talk about and react towards women. I often feel embarrassed by the behaviour of other males. I hate how other men assume that, because I looked male, that I would agree with their denigrating views of and toward women.
• When I am around men, I find myself putting on an act in order to fit in. When I am with women, I can just be myself.

It has only been at times when I was “in the closet” (because work/friends/family didn’t approve) that cross-dressing was a sexual fulfillment; I would put on women’s clothes, masturbate, and take them off again. However, even during my closet cross-dressing days, when I was stressed at work, I would come home and change into my women’s clothes and feel immediately more relaxed, without there being a sexual component. In fact, the more stressed I was, the more the cross-dressing became something I felt strongly compelled to do (rather than being a sexual urge).

There was a period during the early 90’s when I was surrounded by supportive friends and flatmates. During that time, I wore women’s clothes whenever I could, often in public, and there was no sexual arousal at all. I preferred wearing women’s clothes because it expressed who I was.

Since I have been dressing full-time as woman, the sexual aspect of cross-dressing has gone almost entirely. Now I only get turned on by particularly sexy items of women’s clothing, the same as a genetic women might.

I think I have been subconsciously repressing these memories and realisations as part of my denial, or as a way to better fit into my previous male role in society. Since I have accepted who I am a few weeks ago, all these suppressed memories and realisations have started to surface.

For me, now, being a woman is about so much more than wearing women’s clothes. It is who I am.

Incidentally (and I know this terribly stereotypical), I much prefer cats to dogs 😉

Read more about my transgender journey

misogynistic